he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Randomize
