Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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