PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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