Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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