also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
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