you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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