I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
