Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Randomize
