the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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