How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
