Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
