Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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