I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
