White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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