I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Randomize
