know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
