do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
