There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
