the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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