I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
