HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
