i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
