Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
