I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
