My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
