omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
