Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
