Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
