respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
