Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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