I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
