Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
