I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
