i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
We had sex on a dog bed..
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
