just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
