...so i touched it.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
