So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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