can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
