Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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