is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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