I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
