I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
