I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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