Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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