i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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