i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
