Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
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