P.S. I can't hear my feet
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
bring money and cleavage
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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