apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
