finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
