The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
