Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
