you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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