She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
