Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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