and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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