just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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