I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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