I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
