I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Randomize
