Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
