I met the friendliest cop last night
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
