I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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