Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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